Focusing on Listening Through Reflective Listening
Part of the “A Problem Solver’s Approach to Listening” series
“People don’t listen, they just wait for their turn to talk.” — Chuck Palahniuk
One common mistake listeners make is spending most of a conversation thinking about what they want to say. But why is it so hard to listen to what others are saying? As it turns out, our brains are wired to reward self-expression, which might explain why we struggle to find the same intrinsic motivation to listen attentively.
“Disclosing information about ourselves is intrinsically rewarding” — Tamir & Mitchell 2012
How can we train our brains to listen better instead of focusing on ourselves? One skill we can practice is reflective listening.
Reflective Listening
Reflective listening is “a communication technique used to actively demonstrate listening, understanding, and processing information” (The Colin James Method). In practice, a reflective listener might paraphrase what they believe they heard from a speaker in their own words and ask clarifying or follow up questions.
Example 1
Speaker: “I feel really overwhelmed with all the work I have to do.”
Listener: “It sounds like you’re feeling stressed and under a lot of pressure with your workload.”
Potential Follow Ups: “Do you want to talk about it?” or “Would you like some help with anything?”
Example 2
Speaker: “I can’t wait to travel next month!”
Listener: “You seem really enthusiastic about your upcoming travel plans!”
Potential Follow Up: “Where are you planning to go?”
Practice
One exercise for practicing reflective listening is to have a reflective dialogue with a conversation partner. This dialogue could be a debate or a casual discussion about life. The catch is that whenever someone finishes a thought or argument, the other person must first articulate it in their own words before offering their own response. Additionally, both parties may correct the other’s reflection before proceeding to the next point.
By framing listening as a challenge with the goals of figuring out what a speaker is saying and how to say it back, we can motivate and train our brains to focus on listening instead of trying to talk about ourselves.
